exploring the alps and a little town called i don’t remember, where a short boat drive in bright aqua brings you to germany for a shnitzel lunch.

it’s been awhile.i have so much to tell you. i took a long break from this blog. alot has happened since last may. major decisions made. some were easy. some were difficult. some were painful. some filled me with joy. most importantly is how much i’ve grown.

i guess the best place to start is where i left off..

this is me back in canada, on my way to the cottage.

it had been far too long without the rolling hills of my home.

and the peace. and the calm. now we were back together. one. centered. and ready.

i’ve been so busy lately, mostly because i’m preparing for finn’s epic journey back to canada, to finally meet my little niece, spend time with my nephew and the rest of my family that i miss so much…

the past year and a half has been an incredible experience for myself and finley. it’s taught me many things. for example: some people have taught me how important it is to diligently pay attention to how we treat the environment and how we feed our bodies. it’s taught me that if you live your life with the mantra “hell yes or no” you will find yourself easily weeding out the negative things that can detract in your life, including relationships, jobs, even activities. that mantra has been the single most effective decision making skill i’ve acquired in the past year.

it’s made me realize what an utter control freak i’ve been with myself, mostly in personal relationships, and the unwillingness to allow others to do for me. it feels good, i see now, to allow someone else to take care of you, from time to time. however i guess it’s not a good idea to get too used to that. nothing is permanent.

i’ve always felt strongly about my views on money and “things” and that hasn’t changed. i hit a point in my twenties when i decided it was time to get stuff. you know - a house. a car. a white picket fence. a marriage.

through change and loss experienced, it’s even more clear to me now that i really do not need very much to keep myself happy. i like a clean house, a simple space, with a few carefully chosen and meaningful things. i don’t need a big house. i do not need an expensive car. i would like to indulge in a few things, but there is no nagging feeling or envy for friends or acquaintances who have much more then i do.

i was at my old place the other day visiting my old neighbor. it had been a couple of months at least since i had looked out that window and onto the ocean, and the surge of happiness and calm i felt from that i cannot describe. and i remembered, this is why i needed to be here. and that feeling i received from feeling so connected with my environment and the beauty of this amazing natural force of nature that ripped up my heart (in a good way) is something that no amount of money in my pocket or things in my house could ever deliver to me.

i’ve never been impressed with the amount of money people have or the flashy things they have acquired or their social standing. i used to feel that this mindset i carry with me detracted me from certain people who felt this to be important, and that would hurt me. who you are inside is more important then who you are to other people - at times i must remind myself of this. i couldn’t change myself if i tried. i love design. i love art and i love the crafting of clothing. but i’m also a shy introverted geek who likes boyish stuff. i like bacon. i like poutine. oh well.

i continually train myself not to allow the feelings of regret that i sometimes have for the years i spent being afraid to live the way my heart truly desired.

as a result of these changes, my life is now fuller and richer then it has ever been.

sometimes i wondered if part of the reason i’ve changed my life so drastically is due to the fact that my mother passed away, and i felt i had to prove something to myself. the morning my mom passed away, i didn’t feel very much inside of me. i couldn’t understand, why, on the way home, as i drove alone from the hospital, the first song that came on was “new soul” and i smiled and laughed and sung along. it felt like a rebirth and yet the most important thing (aside from finn) in my life was forever gone.

now i’m preparing my voyage to finally see my mother’s grave and say hello. and say goodbye. still, after 2 years, i cannot think of exactly what it is that i want to plant under the small oak tree that she asked me to do. “plant something that will always remind you of me”. what if everything reminds me of you? i still have no conclusions. i don’t even have a top ten.

i do have a book, its called “you are my sunshine” which she gave me when i was about 5. i’m not sure i want to bury it in the ground.

anyway, this past may was a wonderful feeling of a month for me. one of the best in years. i’ve felt true closure, and wonderful beginnings. i feel excitement for the future, not fear for impending doom.

i went to a rolfer, who was also an energy healer. he warned me the experience would be much more intense than the most intense deep tissue massage. “i’m tough i can handle it” i said. although i was not quite sure i would. well ultimately i was tougher then even i thought, or he for that matter. “you ARE canadian. you are tough.”  “but you are extremely sensitive inside”. as he wrenched away. he warned me as he spoke to me about my life, and my experiences over the past few years, that as he manipulated my tissue and muscle, i might experience sudden certain strong feelings of emotional pain, sadness, anxiety, whatever it may be. i did have this experience a few times. and when i did he literally took that moment to move it out of me. literally. he read my bodies tension, and interpreted it accordingly, then worked to remove it. after it was over (a couple of hours worth) he measured me. he grew me one inch. i’m now 5”7. i could not believe it. as i walked home, my natural urge to look down with my neck was fighting against me. each time i tried to look down, my neck bounced my head back up.

in july i won’t see finn for almost a month. i’m excited for him to get to know his father, and spend time with his family, but i’m also going to miss him a terrible amount. he has come so far in the past year and i’m so very proud of him. every morning when he wakes up, he climbs into my bed to snuggle me, and holds my face in his hands and says “mommy, you are a princess”. then we talk, or he talks about his dreams ” i caught a whale, i killed a pirate, we went on a trip, i was fishing, there were monsters„ etc etc..”

i started to collect stuff. like a photo album of him and i. a book i can record so he can hear my voice. puzzles he can open if he missed me. games. a flashlight. a woody doll to sleep with. and on and on. then i realized although some of it is a good idea, i was really building up a security blanket for myself. i hope he misses me much less then i will miss him.

this man gave me the single most physically life changing, emotionally tied experience of my life. i’m a true convert forever.

http://jasonrabineau.com/

yeah i don’t get it either. why does one choose to wear a winter hat, a life jacket, a magic wand down the pants and a squirt gun to go for a walk down on the beach in summer weather? unfortunately for me most people assumed i dressed him this way.

i sort of taught him how to climb trees. oops. i didn’t think he would be THAT good.

beautiful eucalyptus trees in southern california

sticks. he finds them everywhere.

he picked these for his grandpa

spring was in full bloom

disney was so incredible. here is a short synopsis.

firstly i may not be able to bake a great cake but i can plan a day in disneyland for a four year old quite well i think.

a few things for my friends with young kids to consider if you plan on doing the same: the best age for a first time to disney is definitely between age 4 and 7.  it’s at this age, and mostly between 4 and 5, where disneyland is the most magical.

i booked a hotel, called the candy cane inn, which was literally next to disnyeland. to stay IN disney you are looking at a couple hundred a night. i personally want to escape the insanity, so that wasn’t an option. i did pay a bit more then the average room (about 30 bucks more a night) but when you factor in that you won’t have to take a shuttle bus, that you can come and go easily, and that it was a super clean, nicely laid out hotel with a heated pool, kids pool, hot tub and NICE continental breakfast, its win win. the only downfall was when i realized finn was more excited about the pool then going to disney land. until he met woody.

woke up at 8am, got breakfast before 9am and were on our way after that. disney opened at 9am. we walked over easily, and after an hour i felt a bit overwhelmed by the crowds but luckily got used to it by around 11:30. i brought a lightweight stroller which was much better then the larger bulky ones you saw people lugging around. DEFINITELY bring a stroller if your child is under 8 years old.

PACK FOOD. what a rip off. one pickle costs 3 bucks. my question is why are they selling pickles? and pickles by the singles? on ice? that was weird.

pack water bottles. i watched parents feed their kids cotton candy, ice cream bars, fries and pop before noon and then by 12:30 you would witness meltdowns all over the place. that was something else. the good news is if you manage to keep your child well hydrated, basically fed in the healthiest way possible during the day„ then by the time the parents who have decided to take off for a couple of hours to deal with their sugar induced and overly stimulated children you have lines that aren’t as short and you get to do much more.

i witnessed a couple of interesting situations. one little girl, about 2, screamed and cried for 30 minutes while we waited in line for alice and wonderland. she did NOT want to go on a ride. her mom was like “you will go to this ride and you will have fun!!!” geesh. poor kid.

another mom had a temper tantrum behind me but i’m not sure why. anyway she was carrying 10 bags of souvenirs and it was only 11 am in the morning. that was weird too.

i saw another mom who screamed at her three kids “this is my vacation too and you better start having fun!!!”

disney can be highly stressful. in fact i almost fell in to the trap when i got in there and finn only wanted to sit on cars and light posts instead of going on rides. i was like “i don’t want to sit on a lightpost, i want to go on the jungle tour!!” wa wa wa. then i snapped out of it. so we took turns sitting on cars in toon town and dag nab it, it was f-u-n.

i fed finn an hour before regular lunch and an hour and a half before regular dinner, so we missed the crowded line ups. i brought him inside for lunch, we had fish and chips, which was ok and we walked a hillbilly show which he loved.

my favorite part? well when i first got there and walked through the gates, if you’ve been there as a little child with your parents, its like reliving it again with your own child. so it was quite special for me and brought great rushed of feelings back about that experience. and special to know that i was doing it with my own child.

avoid fantasy land until nap time (read: until the kids who ate too much sugar have to be carted to hotels for naps). then hit it hard and you’ll get to ride more with less waiting lines.

it was fun to re-experience my “favorite rides”. like dumbo. finn calls it “jumbo”. the only ride i almost threw up on.

finn says his favorite parts were meeting woody and mickey mouse (more on that later). my favorite was the fireworks (more on that later).

i took finn back to the hotel around 6:30, let him swim in the pool to cool off and we went back at 8 ish, and went on one more ride then fireworks at 9:30, then home.

i didn’t do the second day because we were really exhausted, and because for a 4 year old, i wanted his experience to be less about rides, and more about the magic of meeting characters and telling stories. we barely touched down on tomorrowland, so if i had stayed and extra day with a 4 year old i would have gone back to disneyland.

here i am sitting in a hotel room with finley fox at 11:00 friday night. he sleeps next to me cuddled up after a long day of playing at the beach, going for a short hike, an ice cream in santa monica, and now here„, at the candy cane inn in anaheim. tomorrow we will rock disneyland like neva before!

the night before, i receive an email from a well known press agency. they would like me to style someone. it’s Oh Land (who i happen to love). It’s for Elle Magazine. And its tomorrow.

sat for a short time with my head in my hands. the last year flashes in front of me and all that i’ve worked for leading up to… then i realize that i’ve worked one year for this, but 4 years worth of the reason i’m working is sleeping right next to me.

what would you have done?

today - disneyland.

tomorrow - the world!

i don’t have many images from jimm’s visit because we took most of them usingh is camera. he has some great lenses to play with. hopefully he will send me some soon (hint hint).

for now here are a few. above was taken at muir woods in the redwood forest.

here is jimm helping me grate the beets for the cake.

murder!!! that’s what it looked like after we were done.

this was the first layer. i guess if i’m honest it did kind of taste like dirt. i think i put too much beet, not enough cocoa in the second layer. it looked “ok” though so that was an improvement. next time i’ll substitute with carrots.

we spend a week or so in russian river while i worked mobilly a little while ago. we stayed at a friends house, this is finn getting ready to go in the hot tub.

this is finn getting annoyed at me for taking too many pictures of him.

i think he is pretty beautiful here.

this was where i couldn’t believe how big he had gotten!

i just think he is pretty special.

that is all.

i wish my images came out less blurry but here is uncle jeff!!! he came in to san francisco for work„ and we were lucky enough to see him for a few hours. we went out for thai food, then jeff came back and hung out for a little while and finn decided to build a stuffed toy pyramid around him, very E.T like.

had a great time and can’t wait to see the jeff again, along with the rest of the stanier clan.

a hike one weekend in pacifica, south of san francisco. finn did terrific.